Feelings (about feelings)

Last week, I decided to cook quite an ambitious dish. Well, ambitious for me, anyway. I’m not the world’s greatest chef by a long stretch.

About twenty minutes into the process, I realised that I had made a mistake; I’d overcooked the vegetables before adding the stock. Not the worst mistake in the world, but still, I felt flustered and annoyed with myself.

And then, I another layer of experience got added in:

Why am I so flustered?? It’s just a recipe.

Why am I getting stressed over something so small? Other people don’t get worked up about cooking. Why can’t I just stay calm?

So now, I wasn’t just flustered about messing up the food. I was also annoyed at myself for feeling flustered in the first place.

I appreciate, this is a trivial example, and I'm over it now. But it does illustrate something we can all do. We don’t just feel emotions, we judge them.

I feel anxious and I hate that I feel this way.

I feel sad but I shouldn’t because other people have it worse.

I feel angry and now I feel guilty because I don’t want to be like that.

Instead of just experiencing an emotion, we can add a layer of frustration on top of it.

So what do I do to help? Instead of spiraling or giving up, I took a breath. And just noticed. Of course I feel flustered, I care about what I’m doing. Maybe I just need more practice and that’s okay. I don’t need to fight this feeling, I can just let it be.

The stress didn’t magically disappear, but it softened (not as much as the vegetables). And without all that excess mental struggle, I could get on with sorting out the rest of the meal.

I guess that takeaway is, the next time you catch yourself having a feeling about a feeling, see if you can pause and ask yourself what you’re telling yourself about it. What if this feeling isn’t a problem, just something to notice? What would you say to a friend in this situation?

Yes, emotions can be uncomfortable, but they don’t need to be another battle. Sometimes, just noticing them with a little kindness and a wry smile is enough.

If this is something you struggle with, working with a clinical psychologist can help you understand these patterns and develop a more compassionate way of relating to your emotions. I work remotely, so wherever you are, we can meet in a way that fits in with you. If that sounds like something you’d find helpful, get in touch, I’d be grateful to help.

not my pasta sauce